What I Wasn't Told About Being Pregnant

I was expecting nausea, cramps, incontinence, cravings, and other fun stuff. They didn't happen. If it weren't for the ultrascan pics, I'd probably think I'd developed some sort of weird, highly animated tumour.

Even the anticipated wardrobe difficulties haven't eventuated, thanks to today's love of stretchy fabrics. In truth, I haven't had to resort to any maternity wear yet, and the event horizon is only about 9 weeks away.

So. If Bubzilla's been this easy on me so far, what have I got to bitch about?

How about fat armpits? No one told me about fat armpits. Of all the damned places fatty deposits could possibly build up, nobody said watch out, your armpits will get fat and saggy and look horrible in sleeveless tops. They're hollow! They're arm-pits! And I suddenly have fat ones!

And there's this line running down the front of my belly. Straight down the centre and true. I feel like a plastic-moulded toy with a seam-line down the middle. What the hell is it? Will it go away afterwards, or am I going to be stuck with it, along with the fat armpits?

And then there's the event itself to look forward to. My Mum likes to tell me she was in labour for twenty-three hours, and that I was ten days overdue, and more than eight pounds at delivery. She said she thought she was going to die. Uh, is this hereditary? Google, hello?

Clearly, this is what happens when I haven't had anything to worry about - I start freaking out over the oddest little things, and then start panicking over things I absolutely have no idea about.

Think I'll go lie down now. And fret about not having anything to fret about.