Guidelines

Now that the London suicide-bombers appear to have been homegrown the Australian government has decided to rerun the anti-terrorism commercials. With this in mind I issue the following guidelines for anyone that looks even vaguely Islamic:

1. Don't ever carry a backpack, sportsbag, briefcase or wear an overcoat.
2. Don't carry rolls of cash, buy fertiliser or be seen anywhere near a broken fence.
3. Never ever travel on public transport.
4. Keep your hands up in plain sight at all times.
5. Continually remind the members of the Australian public that you do not wish to blow them up and wish them only peace and prosperity. The louder the better.
6. Discard Islamic dress in preference to more Australian garments - shirts, stubbies and thongs are traditional
7. Change your name: Bazza for a man, Sheila for a woman
8. Pretend to drink beer (or shandy for a woman)
9. Call everyone mate

The Australian public is alert but not alarmed. By making these simple sacrifices during these trying times you ensure that it remains this way. The Australian public thanks you for your compliance.