What I Wasn't Told About Being Pregnant

I was expecting nausea, cramps, incontinence, cravings, and other fun stuff. They didn't happen. If it weren't for the ultrascan pics, I'd probably think I'd developed some sort of weird, highly animated tumour.

Even the anticipated wardrobe difficulties haven't eventuated, thanks to today's love of stretchy fabrics. In truth, I haven't had to resort to any maternity wear yet, and the event horizon is only about 9 weeks away.

So. If Bubzilla's been this easy on me so far, what have I got to bitch about?

How about fat armpits? No one told me about fat armpits. Of all the damned places fatty deposits could possibly build up, nobody said watch out, your armpits will get fat and saggy and look horrible in sleeveless tops. They're hollow! They're arm-pits! And I suddenly have fat ones!

And there's this line running down the front of my belly. Straight down the centre and true. I feel like a plastic-moulded toy with a seam-line down the middle. What the hell is it? Will it go away afterwards, or am I going to be stuck with it, along with the fat armpits?

And then there's the event itself to look forward to. My Mum likes to tell me she was in labour for twenty-three hours, and that I was ten days overdue, and more than eight pounds at delivery. She said she thought she was going to die. Uh, is this hereditary? Google, hello?

Clearly, this is what happens when I haven't had anything to worry about - I start freaking out over the oddest little things, and then start panicking over things I absolutely have no idea about.

Think I'll go lie down now. And fret about not having anything to fret about.

Observations

Australia Day is looming in the headlights. The Xmas decorations can come down now. And anyway, they're only supposed to be up until the 6th of January. That's the trouble with society these days: no appreciation of tradition.

Pherotones: Or What Are They Actually Selling?

Pherotones is allegedly sounds (that you can download as mobile phone ringtones) that make you irresistable to the opposite sex.

Yes, it's a hoax product. What, scientists really look like this?

They've taken the trouble to set up a blog for the "inventor", and a wiki article (well, that's not that difficult, and it is being marked for deletion), and the "inventor" was even interviewed on O'Reilly so it's another of those fine examples of viral marketing on the net.

But what the hell are they selling?

Look, I'm the sort who enjoys whodunnits and cryptic crosswords and works of wacky meta-fiction, but the chief problem here is that the clues and references don't seem to go anywhere. What's the point of a marketing campaign that doesn't seem to be selling anything?

Don't Read This If You're Blonde

. . . because this is simply the best blonde joke ever.

You have been warned.

QOTD

A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books.

-- Walt Whitman

Cool Site of the Day

stuffonmycat.com.

Boomin' Clueless

I seem to be encountering more and more people that:

1. don't have a sense of humour;
2. don't have a clue.

For instance the other day I met a young mother and we were talking about the recent baby boom. She was wondering about the reason for it.

I made the comment that I thought there were three-thousand reasons why there was a sudden increase in the number of births. She just blinked at me.

I then reminded her that the government was paying $3000 for each new brat. She then proceeded to do a complete segue and rant about teenage mothers and how they were bludging off the system. She made a point of indicating that her husband had a job. Woohoo!

I then asked her why she thought there was a baby boom. She just shrugged and said, 'I don't know.'

Clueless.

In the words of INXS

Sometimes you kick. Sometimes you get kicked.

QOTD

It's not enough for the Iraqis to learn how to vote. They have to learn how to lose a vote.

What ToxicPurity Learned This Week

1. That parenting classes should come with a warning. You may think you have an idea what you're in for, but you don't, you really don't, until that first class when the midwife cheerfully and graphically demonstrates the birth process to you, such as just how big a 10cm dilated cervix really is, and how long it'll take you to achieve that. But also "Don't worry, we won't let you go into labour for more than twenty-four hours". Painkillers won't be discussed until Lesson 3.


2. That lots of heartburn during pregnancy means Bub will have lots of hair, according to a Hungarian woman's lore. And that because I have small tits, I'll probably be more likely to be able to breastfeed Bub, unlike more generously-endowed women, according to the same Hungarian woman's experience.


3. That educating a child born this year will cost about $250,000 all up. Apart from school fees and associated costs such as books, shoes, uniforms, and extra-curricular activites, this also assumes private tuition, laptops, IPods, Nike sports gear and personal organisers, according to Channel 9's breakfast show anyway.


4. That before Milli Vanilli, there was Boney M. Same music producer, same lip-synching schtick, and yet... and yet. Well, there goes a part of my childhood.


5. That this month marks the 50th anniversary of the first publication of The Third Eye, by T. Lobsang Rampa, otherwise known as Cyril Henry Hoskins. My then boyfriend really bought into the whole Rampa mythos. Probably still does. Some lies are so beautiful you never want to give them up.

Babies

And Pigs Might. . . Glow?

You know how sometimes bacon develops a green iridescence when it's been in the fridge a while? What does it mean when the bacon goes green, and it's still on the pig?

They may not be the world's first glow-in-the-dark pigs, but the scientists responsible claim they're the most thoroughly fluorescent, inside and out, and they want to breed entire generations of them for scientific purposes.

What we want to know is, what do they taste like, and will they still glow green on the grill?

QOTD

He didn't so much run as riverdance.

-- discussion about a jogger on the South Perth foreshore

Belated Tag

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

1. Queen of Spain
2. Sarah and the Goon Squad
3. Little Miss Pissy Pants
4. Milchfrömmler
5. One Dog Said to the Other

Then you get to select five people to pass the love on to (this is in no way mandatory):
1. TedALOG
2. Keet
3. Decaffeinated
4. Gravyland
5. Mahmood

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Riding what was to become the Internet bubble. I'd just bought my first domain name.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Belgian chocolate 2. Gelati 3. Natural Confectionary Company jellies 4. Fruit Smoothies 5. Crystalised ginger

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. Australian National Anthem 2. Vienna - Ultravox 3. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2 4. Crossing the River - Devlins 5. Need You Tonight - INXS

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Blink 2. Laugh 3. Ponder 4. Smile 5. Steal more

Five bad habits:
1. Procrastination 2. Bitchification 3. Messification 4. Blogification 5. Masturbation

Five things you like doing:
1. TPing 2. Sleeping 3. Creating 4. Bitching 5. Driving

Five things you would never wear or buy again:
1. Compaq 2. Music CD 3. Fro 4. Braised Steak and Onions 5. Baggy shorts

favorite toys:
1. Computers 2. Cameras 3. Mister Underfoot 4. Books 5. Juggling Balls

Evolution or Intelligent Design?

Borrowed from Life Between the Shoeboxes

Sorry

I had forgotten that I had turned on comment moderation. I've now published all the comments and turned it off. Thanks to everyone that left messages.

Streaker

I'm currently reading Startide Rising by David Brin. It's about the seventh or eight time I've read it. It's science-fiction, for those that don't know, and it features a dolphin crewed spaceship by the name of Streaker. In the front few pages of our copy there is a diagram (a rough sketch actually) showing you what Streaker looks like. For want of a better description it looks a little like a Collins-class submarine minus the sail. Which is cool. Until I went looking for artwork related to the book (and subsequent series) and found this 3d model of Streaker. Hmmmm.

Scam of the week

Princess Diana never lost her capacity to smile, laugh and inspire others. Please provide your name, address and employment details so that we can send you the three million dollars in winnings from the lottery set up by her estate. Story here

Website of the Week: Patently Absurd

First day back at work and I actually had nothing I could do, despite having a two-parter Gallery Watch to edit. So I deleted some previous project files from my hard drive and searched the Creative Commons. That killed a couple of hours.

One of these days, I'm going to say To Hell with ethics and propriety and I'm going to make copies of the keys to the equipment storage just so I can get work done when I need to.

So I'm home and websurfing.

So here's my contribution to Cool and Wacky Website Of The Week: Totally Absurd Inventions: America's Goofiest Patents.

My favourite's the Bird Trap Cat Feeder. Hope it comes in different sizes - Mister Underfoot does so love his doves.

Dangerous Ideas

Last year, the World Question Centre asked prominent scientists, thinkers, and commentators the question: What Do You Believe, But Cannot Prove?

This year, the provocative question was: What Is Your Dangerous Idea?

The answers range from "open source" economies to the evolutionary origins of morality and murder to the possibility that Earth, on a planetary level, is perfectly fine and can take care of itself.

Absolutely fascinating. Just as fascinatng was seeing how the various respondents interpreted the term "dangerous" - "dangerous" as in "bold" and "challenging", or "dangerous" as in "this sort of talk will get people killed".

Personally, my dangerous idea isn't that revolutionary or even original, but it's enough to cause awkward lapses in conversation between myself and certain family members and friends: atheism. In short, there is no divine intelligence governing the universe and therefore no implied scheme or purpose to life, and there is no such thing as an immortal soul and therfore no afterlife of any sort. Life is its own purpose, things happen because of a combination of chance and human design or inaction, and you ultimately are responsible for the consequences of your actions.

It's all perfectly sensible to me, but it's not a popular or even polite point-of-view among some of my dearest and nearest, which is somewhat disappointing. So it doesn't get mentioned at all. That's how I know it's a dangerous idea - it's something that may not be discussed.