Guilt...

...because my son is healthy, happy, inquisitive, mischievous, obstinate, affectionate, capable of all this and more.

...because he hasn't been diagnosed with a condition that is hereditary, incurable, and so debilitating that she will probably die in just a couple of years' time.

...because with the shock and sorrow I feel for that other child's parents, there is also relief and gratitude that it's not my child.

There. Said it. It's selfish, and it's true.

And I can't stop crying for her.

There is nothing that can be said, or done. Nobody can make this better. Pity is as useless as it is unwanted. I do not love that little girl any less, not do I love my boy any more, for knowing she is ill and he isn't.

Nothing lasts. We all die sometime. All we can do is make the most of what we have. And to carry ourselves with strength and grace, as her parents are doing.

Motherhood: Is It Catching?

So tired... can't believe the weekend's over already. For that matter, can't believe it's one week into the new year already. Did I send out all my NY greetings to everyone in time? Did I send out NY greetings to anyone at all? Is it really the 7th already?

It's an interesting contradiction: having a baby helps you connect with total strangers, but at the same time having a baby isolates you from the social life you once were part of. You don't go out as often, or for as long, and with a lot less spontaneity than before. On the other hand, it's a pleasant surprise when dour bank managers suddenly pull funny faces at your baby.

That said, have you noticed how, for every stranger you meet who is smitten with your baby, there is also someone who appears repelled by him? Mainly young women, from my experience, and sometimes a certain type of older lady. It ranges from disapproval and mild distaste to outright dislike. They see me with JOOB and glare like I'm a personal insult to them, some traitor to an unspecified cause, some slutty collaborator with the enemy.

It's not like JOOB is even screaming or being a nuisance to them. They just don't seem to like the idea of babies. Sometimes they actually recoil at the sight of him.

Hey," sisters"! It's not contagious, you know. Motherhood isn't like the avian flu. You don't see a baby and suddenly fall pregnant (although there're people out there who probably wish that were so). And since we're smack in the middle of a baby boom, one imagines those disapproving ladies and horrified party girls are going to be wearing pinched expressions for a long time. Not very flattering!

I'm not going to wax forth any of that nonsense about feeling more complete as a woman or fulfilling my genetic destiny blah. Being a mum is hard work, and a lot of fun, and bloody exhausting. Someday, as has been observed, I'll find I'm not JOOB's mum anymore and maybe I'll also find I miss it, but until then, this is the way it is and how it's going to be.

Now, maybe some sleep..?