1.9

Your phone has brought you much contentment, but you are still pissed at not having had your number ported across from your old service. So, during a lull in your day's activities you ring Three Customer Care (also known as Calcutta).

You get through almost immediately and you believe it is probably because you are using your new mobile to make the call. Now you know why it normally takes so long to be answered when using a landline. Landline calls only get their attention when all the Three mobile calls have been cleared. Or that's what you suspect.

The woman who takes your call asks you the usual details. You give them and then ask her when the numbers will be ported over. As usual she hums and hahs and hmmms as she reads the details off the computer screen.

Evidently, this is some sort of feminine mannerism that is prevalent on the subcontinent because every single one of Three's female customer service officers you've encountered on this zany journey has done exactly the same thing. Strangely the men don't.

She hmms a few more times and then calmly tells you that your contract has been cancelled. Yesterday. By someone named Tina. Now, you know that Kim cancelled the original contract the previous Wednesday - remember Adam checked that the following Thursday - so it can't be that one so it must be the one that you got from the Three store. You calmly explain to the woman that it can't have been cancelled because you have the phones and that you're using one of them to make this call. She is adamant. But so are you. Your manner seems to cast some doubt into her mind and she puts you on hold so she can check with her manager.

Moments later she returns with the same story. Someone named Tina has cancelled the contract. 'Where's the authorisation?' you ask her. She says that none was needed. 'Can you do anything about this? Can you reinstate it?' She's unsure and puts you on hold again.

Fortunately your first three bills are free because you're going to need it. She's gone a long time. You're tempted to hang-up and a small part of your brain is wondering if you've somehow managed to score two $700 phones for free. 'If Three come looking for them,' you reason, 'I'll point them in Tina's direction.'

Eventually the woman returns - this call has already lasted 16 minutes - and from there on it becomes a shouting match. Every time you say something the woman's response is that the only people that can fix the problem is the shop where you bought the phone. This really pisses you off and you hang up as she's mid-mantra.

You storm off to the Three store - where you bought the phone - hoping to catch Adam. 'Adam will sort this shit out,' you think. Instead of Adam you get Stephen.

Now, from previous experience you've decided that Stephen is mostly competent but Adam is better. Stephen proves you wrong. Stephen calls the service centre immediately. While he's waiting on hold you ask him if there is a Tina working at the store. 'No,' he replies.

A few queries and comments on the phone and Stephen has the problem fixed in no time. He even arranges for you to receive a bonus $25 credit for every day the number isn't ported. ON BOTH PHONES. He still reckons it could take until Monday for the numbers to be ported. But you don't care. At $25 per day per phone, you reckon you could wait at least until the middle of December without complaint. After all, that way you really would get the phones for free.